what is "it" ?

It’s been awhile. It has been calm. Is it the calm before the storm? I do not know the answer. It has been calm but devoid of peace. It has been filled with erratic thoughts, snappy moments, pretentious expressions and feigned delight. Hiding behind the smile and putting up a brave front, chin up and a false confidence, running head on to face it. Walking on tiptoes, ears sharp as a cat, listening to the sounds of the world outside mine. A faint rustle, a deep sigh, strange mutterings...or was it the nightmare that has come to life. They say there is a new dawn breaking the night, but what if the day holds worse nightmares, what if this new dawn gives sleepless nights? What if hope dies?
Who do you turn to if you have built a fortress around you? An empty fortress; meant for you and your thoughts, for you and your pain, for you and your prayers. The fortress shrinks as the thoughts, pain and prayers increase, filling it beyond its threshold. Who do you turn to then? Do you wonder if HE listens to you? Is HE is just testing your endurance? Or is HE jesting at the situation HE has served you on your fate’s platter? Despite all these unanswered questions, HE is the only hope. And HE is immortal!
It does not let you a glimpse into tomorrow. It is supposed to be filled with surprises. Will I like them? Only time will tell. But the dread, the fear, the uncertainty and the past leave me edgy. I wonder sometimes...is it worth all this? How long does a storm last? What if you are being sucked into the whirlwind and finally spat out to lie helpless and shattered. Where is the hand you seek? Where is the hug you crave? Where is the love you deserve? Where is the ear to listen to your deepest sorrows and fears? Where is the friend who understands your unspoken words? Who has the answers to my questions?
“It” is indeed a question unanswered. I do not pray to make my troubles be gone. I pray to seek strength to endure them.