Carpe Diem and other things...

I had been wondering, the purpose of life, (again!)among those many thoughts swimming in this head. This time it sprouted from weird dreams. I always wake up being fascinated by dreams. I have been wanting to own a dream diary. I think this thought first came to me after reading that article in RD which said “How to interpret your Dreams”. They had suggested to keep a diary by the bed side and fill it with whatever thoughts and remembrance one has after having a dream. Well I digress, the point is I do not have the time nor luxury to do this. I want to write whenever I feel like. I need my personal space. Well we need a lot of things, but we put up with life, it goes on and then suddenly we wake up to realize “Oh, my whole life just passed by in a flash, while I kept dreaming and wanting and waiting...”

As Horace said in his poem “Carpe Diem” → Seize the Day, trust as little as possible in the future. I would love to believe and live by that. I try to sometimes. And then I go back to my cautious self. Sigh. Of course I am living my life, having good and bad times. But I don't feel like I'm living MY life to the fullest extent.

Well there were a series of unfortunate events that occurred recently through which I came out almost unscathed. I always used to wonder what would happen If one fell across a road divider while attempting to cross. That was answered last weekend. Luckily I just sat and then stood up. Also later the same day AR and moi were going on his bike after a very heated outburst from him at the studio. We already had had a long talk the same morning and I knew he was disturbed but I never thought it would affect his riding. And there I was wrong again on that score as it did affect and we did meet with an accident. I just had minor injuries, without even drawing blood(which reminded me of bio sir who had a hard time drawing a tiny drop of blood to do blood grouping test). Well that was that, and oh I forgot to mention those nice shoes which got ruined in the process. Well all my friends had had an eye on it. I had just gotten it repaired and it met its end. Sigh. Well looking at the bigger picture this loss is bearable.

I was a little disturbed and upset all the way home. No reason in particular. But there is so much anger seething underneath it scares me at times. Sometimes its anger directed at others and sometimes at myself. Then I hear a good song and everything settles down. I had told BB earlier to be nice to gaaru cuz he is scared and needs time to adjust, but then I realized at the end of the day I dint do much to help him out either. I felt really horrible about it. Its so easy to advice but equally difficult to practice. I know he can be a bit annoying but we must learn to accept people the way they are. He must be trying really hard to fit in and we din't help him at all. He had been waiting for this day all this while. Its a little sad that people had already developed preconceived notions bout him, which is going to make it all the more challenging. Hmm everyone has their own battles to fight. So I'll just let this be for now.

Thursday!

I dunno if it was my fault, i dunno if i'm a weakling. I dunno many things. But what i know is i'm a good human being. It just got crappier by the end of the day. I tried my best to keep my cool. I just cant take any shoutings. Does that make me weak. Esp if its someone i know for long, well even otherwise i dont think i can take it. It was a silly thing at work, BB was away for some townhall thingy and he hadnt even told. Not that i wanted him to pick issues as i dont mind doing it while i'm there.

But then there were one too many and i wanted to make him get used to handling it. He said he has to go for a session and it was time for me to leave. Cutting the long story short, he was way too rude for something that i asked casually. And i dint deserve it. I had a long day and i dint want to fight. I even requested him can you talk politely with me. Then i just couldn't take it. I told him to carry on with the session and i'll do my work. I stayed an hour extra. finished what i had and left. What made it worse was i dint have my earphones, so i ended up sitting with a bunch of morons who were drunk and stinking of smoke, talking too loud, in a volvo!

Just fking awesome!

Wednesdays...

Another day, another set of chores, some undone some on the way. The eagerness to go home, the need to be alone, the need to be somewhere, the desire to live a life freely without inhibitions. No time to blog, sometinmes no system to blog. Mind is never vacant, sleep evades. Fear of bugs terrifying. Need to grow, need to be a child again. Need to be somewhere else, a happy place a place for me.

So many things to talk about, so many things to ponder , no time to write.

Last thursday was one of the horrible days ever. Without exaggerating the story in short goes like this- I board a volvo at the signal, grab a seat, and the next thing i know there are people checking for tickets. It was hardly over ten seconds, and the conductor dint even have time to issue the tickets, and the bugger goes harrassing me to produce a ticket or pay fine. There was a lady with him checking, and whoever said women have compassion have not met this woman! It's like they were hell-bent to make money that day. There were quite a few galiant men who came to my rescue. I was pretty fine to handle the situation myself had no one come to my aid, cause for my luck I had just 30 bucks and the third option was for me to head to the station with them. Which i would have done gladly cause i dint want to pay them a single penny.

I raised my voice i argued back. But once everyone else started shouting i dont know what happened and me became the filmi bharatiya abla naari and silent tears strolled down my cheeks. It was fury and anxiety, I was glad there were so many guys to back me, but it somehow worked against me. Well then they just let it go after all the bickering and begging by the passengers and conductor respectively. I felt really sorry for the conductor as he would have suffered the consequences. Well lesson learnt, not to climb a bus at anywhee other than the bus stop.

There were many other things which made the day worse but i just cant remember it right now.Anyways, weekend was really good. :D

Then again the same routine began. And right now i'm pisd off big time as BB has gone to trading floor knowing i'll be leaving in half hour. This means i have to stay back longer, which is so not happening. I have been breaking my head all day long solving an issue i have no clue bout. Plus gubs mtexted to eat and come so that does not make my day any better.

I should breathe! Hell Hath no fury like a woman scorned. I dunno why i thought of that now.


Well this gives me all the more time to blog. Not that it sounds exciting now that its time to go home.

Something funny from yesterday's convo

Me: I'm not lazy! I'm a workaholic and hard working one.
C: You're a..alcoholic at Hard Rock

Ah well it was funny yesterday and there's the Hard rock story which i dont think was featured here...or was it. Tough to recall.

Well I can do two things! just leave as my shift is done. Or sit and solve issues till he returns god knows when. Tough shit. What do you think i'll do?